The Vs. Studio Blog

confidant (n.)
1610s, confident, “person trusted with private affairs,” from French confident (16c.), from Italian confidente “a trusty friend,” literally “confident, trusty,” from Latin confidentem (nominative confidens), present participle of confidere “to trust,

“Butch: Y’know, when I was a kid, I always figured on being a hero when I grew up.
Sundance: Too late now.
Butch: You didn’t have to say that—what’d you have to say that for?”
― William Goldman, Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid: Screenplay

Think about your family and friends. Who among them do you trust to always shoot you straight, no matter how much it might sting? If you have one or two, consider yourself blessed. You have a confidant.

That trust swings both ways. If you’re on the receiving end of their constructive criticism, first have empathy for their position. It’s hard to tell a friend or loved one that they’re messing up or that their passion project needs work. Then, trust that the confidant always has your best interest at heart. Even when and especially when, the truth is hard to stomach.

You may ask yourself, “What is that beautiful house?”
You may ask yourself, “Where does that highway go to?”
And you may ask yourself, “Am I right, am I wrong?”
And you may say to yourself, “My God, what have I done?”

Same as it ever was, same as it ever was
Same as it ever was, same as it ever was
Same as it ever was, same as it ever was
Same as it ever was, same as it ever was -Talking Heads, song “Once In A Lifetime”

Speaking of “proving it”…

You might feel that once you write that first great novel, direct that hit movie, be nominated for that award, make that gold record, produce that hit play, etc…you’ve now arrived. Everyone will be chomping at the bit for your next effort. You no longer need to prove yourself.

Nope.

Not only do you need to prove it all over again and delight people, but now come the doubters and the naysayers. The people with arms crossed who are like, “Alright, let’s see what all the hype is about.” And that’s if you’re lucky to even have an audience that follows you. If you’re doing small theatre with no subscriber base, you’ll have to find your audience all over again.

That’s okay. It’s a gift. You get to go back to the beginning. With openness and a beginner’s mind. Drop your attachments and expectations and put your whole heart and soul into this new project. As if it’s the first one you ever did and the last one you’ll ever do.

P.S. – My friend Turney–read his best seller “The Buy Side”; it’s an absolute page turner–sent me the below note re: MJ and his maniacal competitiveness as mentioned in my blog post…

I was at a Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue afterparty and Jordan was there. He was in my way as I was trying to get to the bar to get another tequila. I sort of got pushed into him and he said
“Easy, little man.”
So I said, “Man, I wish Ehlo would have blocked that shot.”

Like a switch was flipped — he went from smiling at me to hating me.

I saw something change in his eyes — it was scary.

“One with true virtue always seeks a way to give. One who lacks true virtue always seeks a way to get. To the giver comes the fullness of life; to the taker, just an empty hand.” –Tao Te Ching, Verse 79

Today is “Giving Tuesday.”

You’re probably getting bombarded with emails from various non-profit organizations asking you to give. Presumably they all have worthy missions and do impactful work.

As someone who has raised funds in both the for-profit and non-profit sector, I can tell you that the hardest and least fun thing to do is raise money.

If you’re in that position now and are struggling to ask for funding, one thing that might help is to look at your own giving behavior. What organizations do you give money to? What inspires you to give to them? Is it a single compelling email? A consistent pattern of asking? A heartfelt video message? You saw a great production the theatre put on and were moved by it? You just happen to be in the right mood and it’s the right time? You’re flush with cash?…What exactly does it for you? Also, where do you spend money and why? What percentage is because you need to (housing, utilities, food, etc..) and what percentage is because you want to? (new clothes, vacations, gifts for yourself and others, etc…)

Knowing what motivates YOU to specifically give and spend will help clarify your story and your ask of others.

One last thing that might help…before asking, see how far you can take the project solo. If you can bootstrap it yourself, great! Do so. The more you do it on your own, the more confidence, clarity and conviction you’ll have if/when you arrive at the point that you need to ask for funding.

“Once you leave the ground, you fly. Some people fly longer than others.” -Michael Jordan

Feeling like you have to prove yourself every time out can guard against complacency. It’s especially useful if you’ve had some early success. Even the greatest constantly find ways to motivate themselves. In some cases, they exaggerate, even invent, slights or insults from others. (AKA “bulletin board material”) Go back and listen to Michael Jordan’s Hall Of Fame induction speech. There are several cringe-worthy moments where he “thanks” certain players and coaches for slighting him so that he could prove them wrong. (Side note: I once played pickup basketball with Jordan. His competitiveness is maniacal. Something to be feared just as much as it’s admired.)

The problem with this approach is it’s extrinsic. You’re dependent on external factors, namely people “seeing” and admitting they were wrong, for you to feel satisfied. But it can fuel you. For a little while anyway.

The better approach, especially over the long term, is an intrinsic one. (Which of course Jordan and all the greats also have.) Striving for excellence in all that you do until it becomes a habit. Because how you do anything is how you do everything. And the only person you really need to prove it to…is yourself.

“For any arena of life, you can create an A Goal, B Goal, and C Goal. On days when you feel great, you hit your A Goal. On days when you feel ok (most days!), you hit your B Goal. On days when you feel bad, you hit your C Goal.” -Sahil Bloom

“A goal is a dream with a deadline.” -Napoleon Hill

“Imperfect action is better than perfect inaction.” -Harry S. Truman

For any goal you want to accomplish, first turn it into a project.

Next, think of all the action steps, micro and macro, it will take until completion.

Third, for all these action steps, ask yourself what an A, B and C would look like. “A” being you knocked it out of the park. “C” being you completed said task, but know you could’ve done better, especially if you had more time. But you still feel good about your effort. You got it done. You can live with a “C” and it’s way better than doing nothing at all. “B” is somewhere in between.

The fourth step is to set realistic deadlines.

The fifth is to start. Take massive and continuous action.

P.S. – For more on the ABC system, check out this excellent article from Sahil Bloom.

“My three prayers are variations on Help, Thanks, Wow. That’s all I’ll ever need, besides the silence, the pain, and the pause sufficient for me to stop, close my eyes, and turn inward.” – Anne Lamott, Help Thanks Wow: The Three Essential Prayers

“Remember the past with gratitude. Live the present with enthusiasm. Look forward to the future with confidence.” — St. John Paul II

“Thank you” covers a lot of ground.

If you’re struggling with how exactly to pray, just say “Thank you.” (“Help” and “Wow” are also great.)

If you receive a compliment and are unsure how to reciprocate, just look the person in the eye and say “Thank you.”

If someone does something really nice on your behalf and you’re struggling with how to communicate your gratitude, just say “Thank you.”

If you want to stay joyous and positive, no matter the circumstances, just keep saying silently to yourself, “Thank you.”

And for all of you dear readers on this Thanksgiving day…

“Thank you.”

If you find yourself in any kind of mentorship position (e.g. parent, teacher, coach, director, etc.), realize it’s a privilege and know there are several incredible gifts you can give your mentee.

The first is to get them to believe in themselves.

The second is to inspire them to think big.

The third is to motivate them to strive for excellence. Don’t let them settle.

The fourth is to keep them on the path. Build their reservoir of resiliency. Remind them frequently that the obstacle is the way.

The last (and most important gift) is to get them to no longer need you.

“A gift that cannot be given away ceases to be a gift. The spirit of a gift is kept alive by its constant donation.” – Lewis Hyde, book The Gift: Creativity and the Artist in the Modern World

The sun some day is going to die
That’s why I’m giving it all away tonight
Because I’ve given up on everything that’s mine
For no reason I’m tied to trees
My shoulders scarred from shaky leaves
Run and hide along roadsides
I’m giving it all away tonight -song, “Giving It All Away” by Matt Pond PA

Give it away, give it away, give it away, now
Give it away, give it away, give it away, now
Give it away, give it away, give it away, now
Give it away, give it away, give it away, now -song “Give It Away” by Red Hot Chili Peppers

Whatever your passion and talent, realize it’s a gift. You’re cooperating with forces bigger than you could ever imagine.

And just like grace, the size of the gift is measured in how much and how freely you give it away to others.

Instead of following the oft-repeated advice of “fake it til you make it”, how about just focusing on “making it?”

Make art.

Ship your art.

Make more art.

That way, you don’t ever have to “fake” anything. You just “make” it.

Because if you’re gonna write 1,000 posts, why not go for 1,001 right? Maybe that’s the one that will really resonate. That will be the one that really counts. But you won’t have reached that without writing the first 1,000.

Or how a great trainer will get you to do a certain number of reps, and then push you to do one more, and then another, and then another. It’s those last couple that really make all the difference.

I heard a great meditation teacher once say that if you do 20 minutes of meditation, the first 19 minutes are just “the foam on top of the beer.” It’s the last minute that really counts. But you need the first 19 to get to the good sip.

Great art takes what it takes. Sometimes that means a lot of wandering in the desert. But with consistency of effort, you will eventually find the oasis.