“The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposing ideas in mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function.” -F. Scott Fitzgerald
“You need all kinds of influences, including negative ones, to challenge what you believe in.” -Bill Murray
“Art is subjective, which is part of what makes it so beautiful. I find that even if a play/performance/production isn’t my favorite, there are always elements that I honestly respond to positively. I try to focus on communicating those aspects so that I am speaking from the heart.” -Danya Taymor
Some definitions of “ambivalence”:
-the state of having mixed feelings or contradictory ideas (such as attraction and repulsion) about something or someone.
-the experience of having an attitude towards someone or something that contains both positively and negatively valenced components.
-continual fluctuation (as between one thing and its opposite).
Me and my son Truman recently watched the film, The Lighthouse. I loved it until about the last 20 minutes. When it was over…
Me: “Well, that was weird.”
Truman: —-
Me: “I didn’t like the last 20 minutes or so. I was really into it and then it just got weird and depressing and turned into more of a horror film or something. And that ending…I don’t know…I just didn’t like where it went to, and…(blah, blah, blah)”
Truman: —-
Me: “So, what about you? What’d you think of it?”
Truman: “I want to think about it more before I comment or say anything.”
“We do not know one promise these men made, one pledge they gave, one word they spoke; but we do know they summed up and perfected, by one supreme act, the highest virtues of men and citizens. For love of country they accepted death, and thus resolved all doubts, and made immortal their patriotism and their virtue.” –James A. Garfield, May 30, 1868, Arlington National Cemetery
“Remember that when you leave this earth, you can take with you nothing that you have received – only what you have given: a full heart, enriched by honest service, love, sacrifice and courage.” -Saint Francis of Assisi
“Peace demands the most heroic labor and the most difficult sacrifice. -Thomas Merton
Such is my love, to thee I so belong, That for thy right myself will bear all wrong. -William Shakespeare, “Sonnett 88”
On this Memorial Day, as we celebrate and honor all the men and women who made the highest sacrifice, I thought to share this excellent post from The Daily Stoic…
Courage often has clear rewards. An entrepreneur takes a risk because there is hope for a payoff—to get something others are afraid to reach for. Someone decides to be unique or different because they realize that to live any other way is to live unhappily with a lie.
But there is something beyond this kind of ordinary courage that defines self-interest. Sacrificing oneself? Sacrificing everything for something? “Human folly,” a historian once said, “is easier to explain than human valor.”
On Memorial Day, it is worth reflecting on this very beautiful and almost baffling bit of human greatness. And it is indeed, utterly inexplicable to some. A particularly craven man once stood in a military cemetery and looked out over the graves of those who had been lost in the nation’s wars over the centuries. “I don’t get it,” he said derisively. “What was in it for them?”
When most people ask that question, it’s out of a kind of humility and awe, a desire to understand an incredible phenomenon. But for the transactional, the cowardly, or the selfish, it just doesn’t make any sense. Why would anyone give up their life for someone else? What kind of deal is that?
There’s courage and then there is heroism, the highest form of courage. The kind embodied in those who are willing to give, perhaps give everything, for someone else. Cato, who chose death over kneeling to Caesar (his daughter Porcia who followed suit by swallowing hot coals). Thrasea and Helvidius who died in resistance to Nero. Rutilius Rufus who gave him his home and his livelihood rather than be sucked into Rome’s culture of corruption. Stockdale, who perhaps thinking of Cato, tried to kill himself to end the torture of his fellow POWs.
There was nothing in it for these men and women, just as there was nothing in it for the soldiers who perished in uniform for their country. But they did it because they knew it wasn’t about them. It was about the person next to them, it was about the people back home, it was about the ideals to which they had sworn to uphold and protect.
True heroism shames us. Humbles us. It moves us beyond reason—because it came from something beyond reason. It’s self-evident why the survival rate of those who manage to transcend self-preservation to reach this greatness is not high. But then again, that is the beauty of it—in some cases, they died so that we could live. We fail them and we fail ourselves if we don’t wrestle with the meaning of this sacrifice.
If you ever wonder why they didn’t choose you, especially after you felt great about how it went (e.g. the audition, the job interview, etc.), then think about all the times you, yourself, got excited about something (e.g. an idea for a business, a story, a new project, a goal, etc.), and didn’t follow through on that initial burst of enthusiasm.
The truth is, there are a million reasons why they didn’t choose you. Most often it has nothing to do with how it went or you or the quality of your work. It has to do with a lot of factors that are beyond your control.
Be proud of yourself that you went for it. You put yourself out there. You risked. You were vulnerable.
And then get back to the hard, yet ultimately so much more fulfilling work, of choosing yourself.
“Think of many things; do only one.” -Portuguese proverb
“You can do anything, but you can’t do everything.” -David Allen
“When deciding whether to do something, if you feel anything less than ‘Wow! That would be amazing! Absolutely! Hell yeah!’ — then say “No.” -Derek Sivers
“What is the ONE thing you could do right now such that by doing it, everything else would be easier or unnecessary?” -Gary Keller
“‘What should I do next?’
Not next year or for the rest of my life. Right now.
The apparently trivial choice–whether or not to open an email, make a phone call or stand up to stretch. The endless list of options, some not even consciously considered, that we work through a thousand times a day.
Sum them up, and these millions of tiny decisions become the life we’ve chosen. One next at a time.” -Seth Godin
All of the above quotes are just different ways of attacking the eternal question, “What should I do?” Hopefully they provide some clarity and insight.
But make no mistake…not choosing or choosing everything, is a recipe for disaster.
The priorities you say you have. The priorities your actions show you have. I call the gap between the two the Say-Do Gap.
And here’s the uncomfortable truth: For most of us, it’s significant.” -Sahil Bloom
How to shrink the Say-Do Gap? Some helpful suggestions I’ve come up with after years of experimentation (and know that I am far from perfect on execution):
-GRATITUDE…Be grateful for your “to do list.” Rename it a “I Get To Do This list.”
-EARLY MORNING INDEX CARD…In the AM before you start your day, get out a 3×5 index card and write down your “get to do list”. If and once you fill up both sides (you don’t have to fill up), that’s it, you can’t write any more. Trust that what you wrote is plenty.
-REALISTIC…Be honest and realistic with your time. Look at your day/calendar and see if what you wrote down is actually achievable, given your schedule. Leave room for the inevitable and unexpected daily interruptions of life.
-PRIORITIZE…Put an asterisk next to the top 3 priority items on your card. Focus on those first. Get them completely done before you move on to anything else on your card.
-REFLECT…At the end of the day, before you go to sleep, take out another index card, and write down all that you did that day. This is your “I Did This List.” Feel great about your accomplishments (even if it’s only one small thing). Whatever remains from your “I Get To Do This” index card, leave it alone. When you wake up the next day, look at it with fresh eyes. Perhaps they will be that day’s priority items, or maybe you realize they weren’t even necessary to begin with.
“Be tolerant with others and strict with yourself” -Marcus Aurelius, Meditations
“In trauma work, and also with sensory sensitivities, I often use a concept called ‘the window of tolerance’ — a metaphorical box that can change in size depending on how much we are able to tolerate at any given moment. So for instance (put rather simply), when I am feeling calm and rested, and feel like I have enough control, my window of tolerance for noisy environments can be quite big — I can put up with a fair amount of noise without getting overwhelmed into meltdown or shutdown (or fight/flight/freeze). When I’m feeling really stressed, exhausted, etc, or I’ve had to put up with it for a while, my window of tolerance for noise gets smaller, and it takes much less to overwhelm me and push me outside of that zone where I feel okay. No one who is not me can tell me what the size of my window of tolerance is at any given time — only I can sense that for myself, and sometimes it can take work to improve on that sensitivity, especially when I’ve been encouraged to disregard it and push through it a lot throughout my life.” -Sonny Hallett, Medium essay “Endurance”
Instead of demanding more respect from others, perhaps demand more tolerance from yourself. For that is something within your control.
And you may find that the more you increase your internal tolerance, the less you need external respect or validation.
“If we can put ourselves into a wholly natural and relaxed state, there wells up within us a flow of creation that blinds our audience by its brilliance.” -Konstantin Stanislavski, An Actor Prepares
For the actor…
Preparation.
Preparation
Preparation.
Preparation.
Preparation.
Preparation.
“Places everyone!”
Trust.
Let go (of all that preparation and anything else).
“If you’re going to try, go all the way. Otherwise, don’t even start. This could mean losing girlfriends, wives, relatives and maybe even your mind. It could mean not eating for three or four days. It could mean freezing on a park bench. It could mean jail. It could mean derision. It could mean mockery–isolation. Isolation is the gift. All the others are a test of your endurance, of how much you really want to do it. And, you’ll do it, despite rejection and the worst odds. And it will be better than anything else you can imagine. If you’re going to try, go all the way. There is no other feeling like that. You will be alone with the gods, and the nights will flame with fire. You will ride life straight to perfect laughter. It’s the only good fight there is.” -Charles Bukowski, What Matters Most is How Well You Walk Through the Fire
“Find what you love and let it kill you.” -Charles Bukowski
“There’s a bluebird in my heart that wants to get out but I’m too tough for him, I say, stay in there, I’m not going to let anybody see you.” -Charles Bukowski, poem Bluebird
he came to the door one night wet thin beaten and terrorized a white cross-eyed tailless cat I took him in and fed him and he stayed grew to trust me until a friend drove up the driveway and ran him over I took what was left to a vet who said,”not much chance…give him these pills…his backbone is crushed, but is was crushed before and somehow mended, if he lives he’ll never walk, look at these x-rays, he’s been shot, look here, the pellets are still there…also, he once had a tail, somebody cut it off…” I took the cat back, it was a hot summer, one of the hottest in decades, I put him on the bathroom floor, gave him water and pills, he wouldn’t eat, he wouldn’t touch the water, I dipped my finger into it and wet his mouth and I talked to him, I didn’t go any- where, I put in a lot of bathroom time and talked to him and gently touched him and he looked back at me with those pale blue crossed eyes and as the days went by he made his first move dragging himself forward by his front legs (the rear ones wouldn’t work) he made it to the litter box crawled over and in, it was like the trumpet of possible victory blowing in that bathroom and into the city, I related to that cat-I’d had it bad, not that bad but bad enough one morning he got up, stood up, fell back down and just looked at me. “you can make it,” I said to him. he kept trying, getting up falling down, finally he walked a few steps, he was like a drunk, the rear legs just didn’t want to do it and he fell again, rested, then got up. you know the rest: now he’s better than ever, cross-eyed almost toothless, but the grace is back, and that look in his eyes never left… and now sometimes I’m interviewed, they want to hear about life and literature and I get drunk and hold up my cross-eyed, shot, runover de-tailed cat and I say,”look, look at this!” but they don’t understand, they say something like,”you say you’ve been influenced by Celine?” “no,” I hold the cat up,”by what happens, by things like this, by this, by this!” I shake the cat, hold him up in the smoky and drunken light, he’s relaxed he knows… it’s then that the interviews end although I am proud sometimes when I see the pictures later and there I am and there is the cat and we are photo- graphed together. he too knows it’s bullshit but that somehow it all helps.
“Abandon all hope, ye who enter here.” -Dante Alighieri, Inferno, the first part of his epic poem, The Divine Comedy
“You know when you’re walking in the woods on a dark night…and you see a light shining far off in the distance…and you think to yourself: even though I’m tired and it’s dark and the branches are scratching my face…everything is gonna be okay…because I have that light? And I’ll get there eventually? Well, I work–you know this–I work harder than anyone else in this county. I mean, I’m beaten down, Sonya, I suffer unbearably…but I have no light in the distance. I can’t see anything up ahead. I no longer expect anything of myself and I don’t think I’m capable of really loving people.” -Astrov to Sonya in Uncle Vanya by Anton Chekhov (translated by Annie Baker)
No trophy, no flowers, no flashbulbs, no wine He’s haunted by something he cannot define Bowel-shaking earthquakes of doubt and remorse Assail him, impale him with monster truck force In his mind, he’s still driving, still making the grade -Cake, song “The Distance”
“Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders…And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.” -Hebrews 12:1
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew To serve your turn long after they are gone, And so hold on when there is nothing in you Except the Will which says to them: ‘Hold on!’ -from the poem, “If” by Rudyard Kipling
Feelings like inspiration, enthusiasm and excitement are enough to get you to the starting line.
Deliberate practices like organization, consistency, discipline, commitment, and self care, coupled with trusted friends and a supportive community, are what sustain you during the race.
But even then, with all that, there are still times when you succumb to despair. When you have no hope. When you see no light in the distance.
For those times, it is blind faith and belief in yourself that will get you to the finish line.
In addition to recapping my end of year favorites (films, plays, books, albums, etc.) I thought for 2025, I’d share each month. Without further adieu and in no particular order, here are April faves…
FILMS:
The Passion Of Joan Of Arc directed by Carl Theodor Dreyer – A masterpiece. One of the most haunting films I’ve ever seen featuring one of the greatest and most gut-wrenching performances ever given. (By Renee Falconetti. Talk about an artist giving a pound of flesh.) The film is nearly a hundred years old, yet feels like it was made today. Thus affirming that great art is timeless.
The Best Years Of Our Lives by William Wyler – A terrific film and one of the earliest to deal with soldiers’ difficult adjustment coming home after WWII. The ensemble is first rate, but it’s Harold Russell (a non actor and real-life Veteran) who steals the show. He won the Best Supporting Actor Academy Award and also won an “Academy Honorary Award” making him the only person ever to win two Academy Awards for the same performance.
PLAYS (Live, In Person):
Mary Page Marlowe written by Tracy Letts – A magical Vs. Tuesday Night Live @PRT reading. A packed house filled with tremendous buzz and supportive energy coupled with a dynamite play and cast. As an Artistic Director, it was everything I hope these live readings can be, and harkened back to the readings in our old Vs. Lobby. Big thanks to Dalia Vosylius for sponsoring and Pacific Resident Theatre for giving us space. More to come!
1984 adapted from George Orwell’s novel by Robert Owens, Wilton E. Hall Jr. and William A. Miles, Jr. – Directed by my good friend and Vs. resident production designer, Danny Cistone, the production was spellbinding and compelling as hell. In addition to the play’s (and novel’s) urgency and relevancy, it had so many great takeaway moments, especially the lead character’s breakdown in the second act. I won’t forget “the rats” and “2 + 2 = 5.” A great Vs. Theatre Club night out. Bravo Danny!
Furlough’s Paradise written by ak payne – An awesome “Vs. Ally Night” at the Geffen Playhouse. Winner of the Susan Smith Blackburn Prize, the writing is poetic and beautiful yet also incisive, with tons of dialogue pop. The two performers are fierce and phenomenal and leave it all out there. The show also has incredible production design. Don’t miss it! Runs through May 18th. Tix/Info Here. (Big thanks to Vs. Board Member Karen Gutierrez and the Geffen Playhouse for arranging these Vs. Ally nights.)
ALBUMS:
Emmy Lou Harris – “Luxury Liner” – I’ve been on an Emmy Lou kick recently and this early one in her canon is outstanding.
R.E.M. – “Murmur” – I always love going back to the beginning to hear a band’s debut. So many great, catchy tracks on here.
French Kicks – “Swimming” – Underrated and overlooked band from the early 2000’s. If you love The Strokes and The Walkmen (which I do), you’ll love this album.
PODCASTS:
Lex Fridman – “Robert Rodriguez” – Perhaps the best conversation ever about creativity. A must listen which you can get Here. I wrote this blog post about it.
The Vs. Studio Blog 