Three Big Questions

“I said, ‘Brother you have to ask yourself two questions, Who am I? And how may I become myself?’ That’s basic person-centered therapeutics. You want the client to feel important, to feel that he or she is in control of the healing process. Remember that shit.” –The Sellout, a novel by Paul Beatty

“WHO am I?”

“WHAT do I want?”

“WHY do I want it?”

These questions are not just for the writer or actor to answer in the story they’re telling or the character they’re portraying, but every person in life must answer these questions for themselves. Or at least continually ask. As the value is in the attempt.

Otherwise, in an era where all are relentlessly vying for your time and attention, the story will get written for you.

Changing Speeds

“Spend a handful of hours a day going fast. Crush a gym session. Do deep work on a project you care about. Spend the rest of the day going slow. Take walks. Read books. Get a long dinner with friends. Either way, avoid the anxious middle where you never truly relax or truly move forward.” -Charles Miller

“The body will organize itself in accordance with the overall goal of the activity.” -Nikolai Bernstein

Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance, you must keep moving.” -Albert Einstein

What makes a great offensive player in sports like basketball or football or hockey for example, isn’t that the athlete goes fast all the time. It’s the athlete’s ability to recognize what the situation calls for, and then adjust their speed on a dime. (View these old clips of Barry Sanders for reference.)

The same holds true for your day to day. Recognize what the situation calls for and then go at the appropriate speed. That includes slowing down to relax and recover.

But as a general rule for your overall life…keep moving forward.

P.S. – H/t to my friend Dan for the Nikolai Bernstein quote above.

All It Takes Is One

“With the exception of wisdom, I’m inclined to believe that the immortal gods have given nothing better to humanity than friendship.” -Cicero

“Friendship produces between us a partnership in all our interests. There is no such thing as good or bad fortune for the individual; we live in common. And no one can live happily who has regard to himself alone and transforms everything into a question of his own utility; you must live for your neighbour, if you would live for yourself. ” -Seneca, Letters From A Stoic

“He already knew he could coach. All you had to do was look at each of your players and ask yourself: What story does this guy wish someone would tell him about himself? And then you told the guy that story. You told it with a hint of doom. You included his flaws. You emphasized his obstacles that could prevent him from succeeding. That was what made the story epic: the player, the hero, had to suffer mightily en route to his final triumph. Schwartz knew that people loved to suffer, as long as the suffering made sense. Everybody suffered. The key was to choose the form of your suffering. Most people couldn’t do this alone, they needed a coach. A good coach made you suffer in a way that suited you.” -Chad Harbach, novel The Art Of Fielding

“Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you too, can become great.” -Mark Twain

To reach our full potential, we could all benefit from a true friend and/or coach.

All it takes is one person:

-Who believes in you and the change you seek to make.

-Who pushes you beyond your comfort zone. Who takes what you’re trying to do and elevates it to the highest level.

-Who always shoots you straight, and keeps you honest and humble.

-Who only compliments you and your work when it’s merited. Who never lies or bullshits you. (Because you trust them and their taste,)

-Who, at times, knows you better than you know yourself.

-Who lifts your spirits when you find yourself in the depths of despair.

If you’re lucky enough to have that person (or combination of persons) in your life, cherish and nurture them always.

If you don’t have that person in your life, keep searching. You’ll find them eventually. Especially after you’ve taken action. Like the poet Rumi said, “”As you start to walk on the way, the way appears.”

And can you also be that friend or coach for someone else?

Lastly, all it takes is one person to derail you and the change you seek to make. Avoid that toxicity like the plague.

Do It For The Stories

Everywhere and anywhere you can, do hard things.

And spend money on having experiences over buying “more stuff.”

That way, you’ll have a lifetime of great stories to tell. Which is what it’s all about.

Speaking of stories, here’s a great one from the actor Stephen Tobolowsky. (Thank you Chief for directing me to the site.)

P.S. – Stephen T. stars in the terrific short film WATCHING WALTER that my friends Mark Brown (also the writer) and Cynthia Gravinese-Brown produced. (Vs. artists Gareth Williams and Andrew Elvis Miller are also part of the ensemble and do spectacular work.) It’s making its way on the festival circuit now. To learn more, visit the site here.

Looking In The Mirror

“Waste no more time arguing what a good man should be. Be one.” -Marcus Aurelius, Meditations

“Be the change you wish to see in the world.” -Mahatma Ghandi

“Love is for today; programs are for the future. We are for today; when tomorrow will come, we shall see what we can do. Somebody is thirsty for water for today, hungry for food for today. Tomorrow we will not have them if we don’t feed them today. So be concerned with what you can do today.” -Saint Teresa of Caluctta

You don’t need to ask the mirror for answers.

The person you see in the mirror is the answer.

Happier With Nothing

If a country is governed wisely,
its inhabitants will be content.
They enjoy the labor of their hands
and don’t waste time inventing
labor-saving machines.
Since they dearly love their homes,
they aren’t interested in travel.
There may be a few wagons and boats,
but these don’t go anywhere.
There may be an arsenal of weapons,
but nobody ever uses them.
People enjoy their food,
take pleasure in being with their families,
spend weekends working in their gardens,
delight in the doings of the neighborhood.
And even though the next country is so close
that people can hear its roosters crowing and its dogs barking,
they are content to die of old age
without ever having gone to see it. -Verse 80, Tao Te Ching by Lao Tzu (Stephen Mitchell translation)

One, two
One, two, three, four
I don’t need another collar
I don’t need another hat
I don’t need to leave this small town
It don’t matter where I’m at
‘Cause I’m happy being me the most
When I let what makes me happy go
And I finally learned what I need to know
I am happier with nothing
I am happier with nothing
I am happier with nothing
I don’t need you to come back to me
I don’t need another memory
I don’t need to make the world see that I’m not crazy
I don’t need to join in their games
I don’t need to fight to stake my claim
I don’t need the world to know my name
It never mattered if they did
‘Cause I’m happy being me the most
When I let what makes me happy go
And I finally learned what I need to know
I am happier with nothing
I am happier with nothing
I am happier with nothing
And I’m always home
And I’m always yours
And I’ll be alright with or without
The things that I’ve been searching for
Baby, I’m not searching anymore
I don’t need to be told what to do
I don’t need to be assured by you
I don’t need to pay the credit due
Nah, there is none
I don’t need you to come back to me
I don’t need another memory
I don’t need to make the world see that I’m not crazy
‘Cause I’m happy being me the most
When I let what makes me happy go
And I finally learned what I need to know
I am happier with nothing
I am happier with nothing
I am happier with nothing
I am happier with nothing, nothing
I am happier with nothing, nothing
I am happier with nothing, nothing
Nothing
Nothing, nothing
Nothing -lyrics to song “Untitled #4” by The Avett Brothers

“There is no way to happiness, happiness is the way.” -Thich Nhat Hanh

You don’t need another thing to be happy.

You need NO-thing.

You’ve learned the secret. Like Joseph Heller when he talked to Kurt Vonnegut, you have enough.

P.S. – This version of The Avett Brothers song. Enjoy. Feel good.

Hide and Seek

Fame or integrity: which is more important?
Money or happiness: which is more valuable?
Success of failure: which is more destructive?

If you look to others for fulfillment,
you will never truly be fulfilled.
If your happiness depends on money,
you will never be happy with yourself.

Be content with what you have;
rejoice in the way things are.
When you realize there is nothing lacking,
the whole world belongs to you. -Verse 44, Tao Te Ching by Lao Tzu (Stephen Mitchell translation)

“Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.” -Naval Ravikant

You will never get all the credit you think you deserve.

You will never get all the applause you think you’ve earned.

You will never get all the thanks you think you’re due.

It’s a never ending game of seeking, but not finding.

So why not choose to play a different game?

The game where instead of seeking the external, you’re solely focused on the internal.

When you do that, you realize that everything you seek is there. It’s been hiding in plain sight all along.

“How Can I Help Them?”

“Ask not what your country can do for you–ask what you can do for your country.” -John F. Kennedy, 1961 Inaugural Address

“Your being increases in the measure you give it away.” -Saint John Paul II

Whether it’s fundraising, donor outreach, recruiting board members, or attracting audience…

Not: “How can they help me or my organization?”

Instead: “How can I or my organization help them?”

By answering the latter question, you will attract the right people for your mission or endeavor. That’s the paradoxical “law of the gift” at work.

P.S. – The full speech.

Why Not You

“Imposter syndrome is a tax on personal growth.” -Sahil Bloom

If you’re struggling with “impostor syndrome” and are stuck on “Why me?”, then just add a “not” in the middle.

Instead, ask: “Why not me?”

And really, Why Not You?…

Somebody’s gotta do it. Might as well be you.

(This also applies when you’re going through difficult times or are tasked to do something hard.)

P.S. – “The Antitode to Impostor Syndrome.”