The priorities you say you have. The priorities your actions show you have. I call the gap between the two the Say-Do Gap.
And here’s the uncomfortable truth: For most of us, it’s significant.” -Sahil Bloom
How to shrink the Say-Do Gap? Some helpful suggestions I’ve come up with after years of experimentation (and know that I am far from perfect on execution):
-GRATITUDE…Be grateful for your “to do list.” Rename it a “I Get To Do This list.”
-EARLY MORNING INDEX CARD…In the AM before you start your day, get out a 3×5 index card and write down your “get to do list”. If and once you fill up both sides (you don’t have to fill up), that’s it, you can’t write any more. Trust that what you wrote is plenty.
-REALISTIC…Be honest and realistic with your time. Look at your day/calendar and see if what you wrote down is actually achievable, given your schedule. Leave room for the inevitable and unexpected daily interruptions of life.
-PRIORITIZE…Put an asterisk next to the top 3 priority items on your card. Focus on those first. Get them completely done before you move on to anything else on your card.
-REFLECT…At the end of the day, before you go to sleep, take out another index card, and write down all that you did that day. This is your “I Did This List.” Feel great about your accomplishments (even if it’s only one small thing). Whatever remains from your “I Get To Do This” index card, leave it alone. When you wake up the next day, look at it with fresh eyes. Perhaps they will be that day’s priority items, or maybe you realize they weren’t even necessary to begin with.
“Be tolerant with others and strict with yourself” -Marcus Aurelius, Meditations
“In trauma work, and also with sensory sensitivities, I often use a concept called ‘the window of tolerance’ — a metaphorical box that can change in size depending on how much we are able to tolerate at any given moment. So for instance (put rather simply), when I am feeling calm and rested, and feel like I have enough control, my window of tolerance for noisy environments can be quite big — I can put up with a fair amount of noise without getting overwhelmed into meltdown or shutdown (or fight/flight/freeze). When I’m feeling really stressed, exhausted, etc, or I’ve had to put up with it for a while, my window of tolerance for noise gets smaller, and it takes much less to overwhelm me and push me outside of that zone where I feel okay. No one who is not me can tell me what the size of my window of tolerance is at any given time — only I can sense that for myself, and sometimes it can take work to improve on that sensitivity, especially when I’ve been encouraged to disregard it and push through it a lot throughout my life.” -Sonny Hallett, Medium essay “Endurance”
Instead of demanding more respect from others, perhaps demand more tolerance from yourself. For that is something within your control.
And you may find that the more you increase your internal tolerance, the less you need external respect or validation.
“If we can put ourselves into a wholly natural and relaxed state, there wells up within us a flow of creation that blinds our audience by its brilliance.” -Konstantin Stanislavski, An Actor Prepares
For the actor…
Preparation.
Preparation
Preparation.
Preparation.
Preparation.
Preparation.
“Places everyone!”
Trust.
Let go (of all that preparation and anything else).
“If you’re going to try, go all the way. Otherwise, don’t even start. This could mean losing girlfriends, wives, relatives and maybe even your mind. It could mean not eating for three or four days. It could mean freezing on a park bench. It could mean jail. It could mean derision. It could mean mockery–isolation. Isolation is the gift. All the others are a test of your endurance, of how much you really want to do it. And, you’ll do it, despite rejection and the worst odds. And it will be better than anything else you can imagine. If you’re going to try, go all the way. There is no other feeling like that. You will be alone with the gods, and the nights will flame with fire. You will ride life straight to perfect laughter. It’s the only good fight there is.” -Charles Bukowski, What Matters Most is How Well You Walk Through the Fire
“Find what you love and let it kill you.” -Charles Bukowski
“There’s a bluebird in my heart that wants to get out but I’m too tough for him, I say, stay in there, I’m not going to let anybody see you.” -Charles Bukowski, poem Bluebird
he came to the door one night wet thin beaten and terrorized a white cross-eyed tailless cat I took him in and fed him and he stayed grew to trust me until a friend drove up the driveway and ran him over I took what was left to a vet who said,”not much chance…give him these pills…his backbone is crushed, but is was crushed before and somehow mended, if he lives he’ll never walk, look at these x-rays, he’s been shot, look here, the pellets are still there…also, he once had a tail, somebody cut it off…” I took the cat back, it was a hot summer, one of the hottest in decades, I put him on the bathroom floor, gave him water and pills, he wouldn’t eat, he wouldn’t touch the water, I dipped my finger into it and wet his mouth and I talked to him, I didn’t go any- where, I put in a lot of bathroom time and talked to him and gently touched him and he looked back at me with those pale blue crossed eyes and as the days went by he made his first move dragging himself forward by his front legs (the rear ones wouldn’t work) he made it to the litter box crawled over and in, it was like the trumpet of possible victory blowing in that bathroom and into the city, I related to that cat-I’d had it bad, not that bad but bad enough one morning he got up, stood up, fell back down and just looked at me. “you can make it,” I said to him. he kept trying, getting up falling down, finally he walked a few steps, he was like a drunk, the rear legs just didn’t want to do it and he fell again, rested, then got up. you know the rest: now he’s better than ever, cross-eyed almost toothless, but the grace is back, and that look in his eyes never left… and now sometimes I’m interviewed, they want to hear about life and literature and I get drunk and hold up my cross-eyed, shot, runover de-tailed cat and I say,”look, look at this!” but they don’t understand, they say something like,”you say you’ve been influenced by Celine?” “no,” I hold the cat up,”by what happens, by things like this, by this, by this!” I shake the cat, hold him up in the smoky and drunken light, he’s relaxed he knows… it’s then that the interviews end although I am proud sometimes when I see the pictures later and there I am and there is the cat and we are photo- graphed together. he too knows it’s bullshit but that somehow it all helps.
“Abandon all hope, ye who enter here.” -Dante Alighieri, Inferno, the first part of his epic poem, The Divine Comedy
“You know when you’re walking in the woods on a dark night…and you see a light shining far off in the distance…and you think to yourself: even though I’m tired and it’s dark and the branches are scratching my face…everything is gonna be okay…because I have that light? And I’ll get there eventually? Well, I work–you know this–I work harder than anyone else in this county. I mean, I’m beaten down, Sonya, I suffer unbearably…but I have no light in the distance. I can’t see anything up ahead. I no longer expect anything of myself and I don’t think I’m capable of really loving people.” -Astrov to Sonya in Uncle Vanya by Anton Chekhov (translated by Annie Baker)
No trophy, no flowers, no flashbulbs, no wine He’s haunted by something he cannot define Bowel-shaking earthquakes of doubt and remorse Assail him, impale him with monster truck force In his mind, he’s still driving, still making the grade -Cake, song “The Distance”
“Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders…And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.” -Hebrews 12:1
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew To serve your turn long after they are gone, And so hold on when there is nothing in you Except the Will which says to them: ‘Hold on!’ -from the poem, “If” by Rudyard Kipling
Feelings like inspiration, enthusiasm and excitement are enough to get you to the starting line.
Deliberate practices like organization, consistency, discipline, commitment, and self care, coupled with trusted friends and a supportive community, are what sustain you during the race.
But even then, with all that, there are still times when you succumb to despair. When you have no hope. When you see no light in the distance.
For those times, it is blind faith and belief in yourself that will get you to the finish line.
In addition to recapping my end of year favorites (films, plays, books, albums, etc.) I thought for 2025, I’d share each month. Without further adieu and in no particular order, here are April faves…
FILMS:
The Passion Of Joan Of Arc directed by Carl Theodor Dreyer – A masterpiece. One of the most haunting films I’ve ever seen featuring one of the greatest and most gut-wrenching performances ever given. (By Renee Falconetti. Talk about an artist giving a pound of flesh.) The film is nearly a hundred years old, yet feels like it was made today. Thus affirming that great art is timeless.
The Best Years Of Our Lives by William Wyler – A terrific film and one of the earliest to deal with soldiers’ difficult adjustment coming home after WWII. The ensemble is first rate, but it’s Harold Russell (a non actor and real-life Veteran) who steals the show. He won the Best Supporting Actor Academy Award and also won an “Academy Honorary Award” making him the only person ever to win two Academy Awards for the same performance.
PLAYS (Live, In Person):
Mary Page Marlowe written by Tracy Letts – A magical Vs. Tuesday Night Live @PRT reading. A packed house filled with tremendous buzz and supportive energy coupled with a dynamite play and cast. As an Artistic Director, it was everything I hope these live readings can be, and harkened back to the readings in our old Vs. Lobby. Big thanks to Dalia Vosylius for sponsoring and Pacific Resident Theatre for giving us space. More to come!
1984 adapted from George Orwell’s novel by Robert Owens, Wilton E. Hall Jr. and William A. Miles, Jr. – Directed by my good friend and Vs. resident production designer, Danny Cistone, the production was spellbinding and compelling as hell. In addition to the play’s (and novel’s) urgency and relevancy, it had so many great takeaway moments, especially the lead character’s breakdown in the second act. I won’t forget “the rats” and “2 + 2 = 5.” A great Vs. Theatre Club night out. Bravo Danny!
Furlough’s Paradise written by ak payne – An awesome “Vs. Ally Night” at the Geffen Playhouse. Winner of the Susan Smith Blackburn Prize, the writing is poetic and beautiful yet also incisive, with tons of dialogue pop. The two performers are fierce and phenomenal and leave it all out there. The show also has incredible production design. Don’t miss it! Runs through May 18th. Tix/Info Here. (Big thanks to Vs. Board Member Karen Gutierrez and the Geffen Playhouse for arranging these Vs. Ally nights.)
ALBUMS:
Emmy Lou Harris – “Luxury Liner” – I’ve been on an Emmy Lou kick recently and this early one in her canon is outstanding.
R.E.M. – “Murmur” – I always love going back to the beginning to hear a band’s debut. So many great, catchy tracks on here.
French Kicks – “Swimming” – Underrated and overlooked band from the early 2000’s. If you love The Strokes and The Walkmen (which I do), you’ll love this album.
PODCASTS:
Lex Fridman – “Robert Rodriguez” – Perhaps the best conversation ever about creativity. A must listen which you can get Here. I wrote this blog post about it.
But expectations are a story we tell ourselves, and that story is up to us.
The simple life hack is to lower your expectations, regardless of what you’re entitled to. Create the conditions for the outcome you seek, but leave yourself room if it doesn’t arrive.
Lowering expectations is a way to ensure that tomorrow is even better than you hope it will be.” -Seth Godin
“The Master doesn’t seek fulfillment. Not seeking, not expecting, she is present, and can welcome all things.” –Tao Te Ching by Lao-Tzu (Stephen Mitchell translation)
“Expectation is the root of all heartache.” -Shakespeare
“We listen with expectation, insight and point of view.” – Howard Fine
“Our actions are the result of immediate needs and expectations…In rehearsals we must discover and test the actions that are needed from moment to moment in conjunction with what we expect from them…My passion for acting returned, never to desert me again, once I had understood how to suspend knowledge of what was to come by unearthing the character’s expectations.” -Uta Hagen, book A Challenge For The Actor
“Love is the ultimate outlaw. It just won’t adhere to any rules. The most any of us can do is to sign on as its accomplice. Instead of vowing to honor and obey, maybe we should swear to aid and abet. That would mean that security is out of the question. The words “make” and “stay” become inappropriate. My love for you has no strings attached. I love you for free.” -Tom Robbins, book Still Life With Woodpecker
“What limits people is lack of character. What limits people is that they don’t have the f-ing nerve or imagination to star in their own movie, let alone direct it.” ―Tom Robbins
Speaking of being dangerous, this 2022 commencement speech from author Tom Robbins, who sadly passed away earlier this year, is truly inspiring…
I am often asked whether there is life after death. Certainly, there is.
There is also death after life, and life before death, and death after life. It goes on forever. There’s no stopping it. You will live forever and die forever. In fact, you already have.
As for heaven and hell, they are right here on Earth, and it is up to each of you in which one you choose to reside. To put it simply, heaven is living in your hopes and hell is living in your fears.
One problem with the notion of Heaven and Hell, is that although they are exact opposites, an astonishing number of people seem to be confused about which is which. For example, all over the United States on this very evening, commencement speakers are standing before audiences not greatly unlike yourselves describing hell as if they were talking about heaven.
Their speakers are saying things such as, ‘Graduating seniors, you have reached the golden age of maturity; it is time now to go out into the world and take up the challenge of life, time to face your hallowed responsibility.’
And if that isn’t one hell of a note, it’s certainly one note of hell.
When I hear the word maturity spoken with such solemn awe, I don’t know whether to laugh or get sick.
There circulates a common myth that once one becomes an adult, one suddenly and magically gets it all together. And, if I may use the vernacular, discovers where it’s at. Ha ha. The sad funny truth is adults are nothing but tall children who have forgotten how to play.
When people tell you to grow up, they mean approximately the same thing they mean when they tell you to shut up. By shut up they mean stop talking. By grow up, they mean stop growing.
Because as long as you keep growing, you keep changing, and the person who is changing is unpredictable, impossible to pigeonhole and difficult to control. The growing person is not an easy target for those guys in slick suits who want you to turn over your soul to Christ, your heart to America, your butt to Seattle First National Bank and your armpits to the new extra crispy Right Guard.
No, the growing person is not an ideal consumer, which means, in more realistic terms, he or she is not an easy slave. Worse yet, if he or she continues to grow, grows far enough and long enough, he or she may get too close to the universal mysteries, the nature of which the Navy and the Dutch Reformed Church do not encourage us to ponder. The growing person is an uncomfortable reminder of the greater human potential that each of us might realize if we had the guts.
So, society wants you to grow up to reach a safe, predictable plateau and root there. To muzzle your throb. To lower the volume on the singing in your blood. Capers all cut, sky finally larked, surprises known: SETTLE DOWN – settle like the sand in the bottom of an hourglass, like a coffin six months in the ground. Act your age, which means act their age, and that has, from the moment they stopped growing, always been old. Growing up is a trap.
As for responsibility, I am forced to ask, responsibility to what? To our fellow man? Two weeks ago, the newspapers reported that a federal court had ruled that when a person’s brain stops functioning, that person is legally dead, even though his or her heart may continue to beat. That means that eighty percent of the population of the Earth is legally dead. Must we be responsible to corpses?
No, you have no responsibility except to be yourself to the fullest limit of yourself. And to find out who you are. Or perhaps I should say to remember who you are. Because deep down in the secret velvet of your heart, far beyond your name and address, each of you knows who you really are. And that being who is true cannot help but behave graciously to all other beings – because it is all other beings.
Ah, but we must be responsible, and if we are, then we are rewarded with the white man’s legal equivalent of looting: a steady job, a secure income, easy credit, free access to all the local emporiums and a home of your own to pile the merchandise in. And so what if there is no magic in your life, no wonder, no amazement, no playfulness, no peace of mind, no sense of unity with the universe, no giggling joy, no burning passion, no deep understanding, no overwhelming love? At least your ego has the satisfaction of knowing you are a responsible citizen.
The only advice I have for you tonight is not to actively resist or fight the system, because active protest and resistance merely entangles you in the system. Instead, ignore it, walk away from it.
Turn your backs on it, laugh at it. Don’t be outraged, be outrageous! Never be stupid enough to respect authority unless that authority proves itself respectable.
So be your own authority, lead yourselves. Learn the ways and means of the ancient yogi masters, pied pipers, cloud walkers and medicine men.
Get in harmony with nature. Listen to the loony rhythms of your blood. Look for beauty and poetry in everything in life. Let there be no moon that does not know you, no spring that does not lick you with its tongues. Refuse to play it safe, for it is from the wavering edge of risk that the sweetest honey of freedom drips and drips. Live dangerously, live lovingly.
Believe in magic. Nourish your imagination. Use your head, even if it means going out of your mind. Learn, like the lemon and the tomato learned, the laws of the sun.
Become aware, like the jungle became aware, of your own perfume. Remember that life is much too serious to take seriously – so never forget how to play.
P.S. – Big h/t to Erik Rittenberry and Poetic Outlaws for inspiring. You can read the full post Here.
“Used to be ‘Stay safe.’ Now it’s ‘Stay dangerous.'” -Nipsey Hussle (featuring Kendrick Lamar), song Dedication
“The most dangerous person is the one who listens, thinks, and observes.” -Bruce Lee
“The world is a dangerous place to live, not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don’t do anything about it.” -Albert Einstein
“An idea that is not dangerous is unworthy of being called an idea at all.” -Oscar Wilde
“You’re dangerous ‘cos you’re honest.” -U2, song Who’s Gonna Ride Your Wild Horses
“Be regular and orderly in your life, so that you may be violent and original in your work.” -Gustave Flaubert
Avoid danger. Yes.
But not at the expense of being dangerous in your art and work.
“The measure of a person is the congruence between their words and actions, their kindness, their confidence, and their decisiveness about who they are in the world and who they intend to remain.” -Peter Cundill
“In place of the term “realness” I have sometimes used the word “congruence.” By this I mean that when my experiencing of this moment is present in my awareness and when what is present in my awareness is present in my communication, then each of these three levels matches or is congruent. At such moments I am integrated or whole, I am completely in one piece. Most of the time, of course, I, like everyone else, exhibit some degree of incongruence. I have learned, however, that realness, or genuineness, or congruence—whatever term you wish to give it—is a fundamental basis for the best of communication.” -Carl Rogers, A Way Of Being
Some definitions of “congruence”:
-agreement or harmony; compatibility.
-The quality or state of agreeing, coinciding, or being congruent. The happy congruence of nature and reason.
-a match between psychological attributes and behavior.
Aspire to have your thoughts, words, and actions all working together. In alignment. In harmony. In congruence.
When you have this congruence, you will find inner peace. As well as evoke inner peace in others.
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